boss not buddy

Boss Not Buddy

Day one of my first management job. I got promoted from being one of the sales reps to managing the sales team and relocated from Christchurch to the Auckland head office. 

I bumped into the owner of the car dealership in Auckland while taking possession of my new company car. He was a well-known business name in New Zealand, with multiple agencies and dealerships for many big-name car brands. 

I told him about my promotion, and he shared words of wisdom along the following lines that I never forgot. 

“You’re not one of the gang anymore, so don’t make the mistake of wanting to be liked by your team. That will hold you back from being a good manager. They certainly won’t like it when you challenge their performance, but that is your job now. 

At the end of the day, you determine their remuneration and whether or not they keep their job. Be friendly, but you are not their friend. You are their boss, not their buddy.”

I thanked him for the advice. “Boss not buddy” made sense to me, as it gelled with my default behavioral profile. I’ve always been “task-focused” and less concerned with what people think of me.   

Straight away, I got the chance to put this principle to the test. 

My company had 2 separate product divisions. The sales manager for the other division was also a person promoted from the ranks to lead his team. 

I liked him, but I also saw him as a rival. I wanted my sales team to be the best in the company. 

He had the polar opposite management style from mine. He was outgoing, easygoing, and fun to be around. I’ll call him the “buddy manager,” whereas my style was more like “task manager.”

I was a stickler for discipline, and I pushed my people relentlessly to meet the agreed standards. I removed poor performers and spent a lot of time training and coaching. I treated people fairly and with respect, but I’m not sure my team liked me that much. In exit interviews with departing staff, I was told that I came across as “all work and no play.” 

To address that corrective feedback, I made more of an effort to have social drinks with the team and loosen up at the end of each week, but even then, I would excuse myself early and go home.   

The “buddy manager” would go out on the town and get rolling drunk with his direct reports on Friday nights. I would hear them laugh about their shenanigans the following Monday. The “buddy manager” was more relaxed than me in terms of standards. He had a casual way of speaking with his people. He maintained a positive, happy vibe. His staff liked him a lot.   

But over time, I noticed something profound.

The “buddy manager” struggled to hold his drinking buddies accountable. In my opinion, he was carrying a lot of B-Player sales reps on his team. His team took pride in having a fun place to work. My team took pride in our results. 

Was his team happier? More engaged? Yes, probably. After all, they did seem to enjoy themselves.  

But at the end of the day, we are judged on our results, and managers are judged on the results of their team. 

The “buddy manager” struggled to grow sales, whereas my team kicked ass. We achieved the highest market share for our products globally, and our European supplier rewarded my entire sales team with a one-week paid trip to a tropical resort. 

The trip was great, but what I am most proud of from my first management role is that many of my direct reports went on to become successful business leaders themselves. They still list me as an employer reference on their resumes, and I am happy to endorse them as A-Players.   

Boss Not Buddy

Years later, when coaching business leaders, particularly those who are new to their management role, I share the “boss not buddy” story from my chance meeting at the car dealership.  

I recommend that it is better to err on the side of being formal and business-like. At least in the beginning, when starting a new management role, or when onboarding new staff. 

Make it clear that you care about the personal well-being of your direct reports, but keep the tone professional. 

I urge new managers to set clear expectations and hold people firmly accountable for meeting agreed standards. Give corrective feedback early and often, especially with new hires. Later on, you can always dial up the warmth when your people reach an A-Player standard of performance. 

It’s significantly harder to do the reverse. 

Too often, I see managers fall into the “friend zone” trap with their direct reports. They are too relaxed and informal. They want to be seen as caring and generous. They want to be liked. 

However, they don’t set clear expectations. They let deadlines slide. They don’t uphold performance standards. 

When results don’t materialize and the CEO (or board of directors) gets impatient, the manager struggles to dial up the authority and discipline. After all, delivering tough love is hard when you are “buddies” with your staff.

What typically happens is the “buddy manager” fires off a few stern emails and makes proclamations at the next team meeting about the need to raise standards. They might get a short-term improvement (The 3-week surge), but activity and results quickly regress back to the baseline. Mediocrity continues.

The diagnosis? Your staff may like you, but they don’t respect you as a manager.

Is that what you want?

As a manager, it’s better to be respected than to be liked. You have to be willing to not be liked in the moment to do what’s right for the long-term health of the team.

And to use a sports analogy: relax and have fun after you win the game. Not before. 

Celebrate when your team achieves metric targets. Celebrate when your team achieves the agreed project milestones at the end of each quarter. Take the team out for a meal. Have a few drinks. You’ve earned it. 

In my experience, achieving results and winning the game leads to a much happier team over the long term.

And always remember, “boss not buddy.”  

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Until next time…
Stephen